Confession

I am an unwilling cosleeper.

I didn't plan on it. Rowan never coslept. There was no lying down to feed him. I had to squeeze the milk into him, burp him multiple times for every feed, hold straight upright so it wouldn't come out through his nose... It was a labor intensive process.
And then I had to put him down and pump so I could do it all over again. There were times that he would be crying in his bassinet and I couldn't do much because I was pumping and was half dead on my feet and barely coping as it was.

And then there was Niall. He was SO EASY to feed. I learned to nurse lying down. I fell asleep. I woke up when he wanted to nurse again and I would roll over and give him the other side. I fell back asleep.
I finally booted him from my bed when he was 10 months old and a very greedy, rude sleeper.

I have fallen into that situation again. Eleri snuzzles up to me and I fall asleep while nursing her. She wants the other side, we move and do it all again. And I thought that I was going to try to move her into her side-carred crib.

yeah, right.

I put her in there the other night because she was meowing and smacking around, and I was tired. She meowed a little more and then just rolled over and went to sleep! By herself! Without nursing!

I thought victory was mine! I stretched out, luxurious under the blanket that I could pull all the way up to my shoulders and not have to worry about smothering my precious little baby. And I lay there. And lay there. And couldn't. fall. asleep.

Finally at about 12:30 I got her out of her crib and pulled her back into the bed with me. I nursed her a little since that woke her up, and then we both drifted off. I admit it. I didn't want this, but now I can't fall asleep without my living, breathing, little teddy bear. I have cold shoulders. I'll deal.

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Thanks for all the comments on the state of the house vs. life. It's good to know that there are other people on the same page. And you know, it makes me wonder...

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we care so much that we rush around squirreling things away when we know someone is coming over? Why do we present a better face to the public than we present to our own families?

I think that this is something I need to work on. I think I need to have it nicer for my family and not worry so much about the guests. Maybe my friends are secretly glad to see the screwdriver on the mantle and the stack of whatever that is in the corner, because they have the same thing at home. I think I want to keep it a little nicer around here than it is today, and have that be the face that the world sees, too.

And then I really want to tackle my bedroom. It should be my sanctuary instead of being the catch all for what I'm hiding from the rest of the house.