Saturday, December 03, 2011

Learn from me

If you give a mom a gold medicine cabinet,
she's going to want to paint it.
Once she paints it,
she's going to notice that the etagere behind the toilet doesn't match,
so she'll head to Walmart (on a Saturday in December) to get more spray paint.
She'll prime it.
Once she's primed it, she'll notice that the bottoms of her socks feel tacky and strange.
She'll take off her socks.
Once the primer is dry, she'll go out to paint the color.
She'll forget that she's barefoot.
Halfway through, she'll discover that her spray finger doesn't work so well because she's already painted the thing once with primer.
She'll call for her husband to help her.
She'll want to go inside, but will then notice there are leaves stuck to her feet.
I mean STUCK to her feet.
She'll also notice that they appear to be very painty on the bottoms,
like hobbit feet on crack.
She'll decide to go wash them before they get worse.
Once in the bathroom, standing in a tub of warm water, she'll notice that her feet seem to be sticking to the bottom of the tub.
She'll tug one up.
Then she'll see the painty footprint left behind,
but also see that there is no noticeable difference in the color or texture of her foot.
She will then panic just a bit, and grab for the scrubby sponge.
This will clue her daughter in to the fact that mommy is sitting on the side of the bathtub.
The daughter will then come to keep her company.
The mommy will be a bit busy with the paint freak out, and not notice the daughter.
The daughter will seize the opportunity to grab the diaper sprayer and give it a good squirt.
This will cause the mommy to yelp because it's cold, which will bring a son in to see what is going on.
The mommy will still be in a bit of frenzy, scrubbing at the painty footprint and scratching at her painty feet, and will ask the son to go get the barkeeper's friend.
The son will leave, and then come back confused and without the scouring powder.
The mommy will have progressed to stripping down and scrubbing the tub because she's leaving painty footprints everywhere.
The son will be dispatched to find the husband.
The husband will find his wife, naked and irritated, scrubbing at the bathroom tub with painty feet while two children watch and ask her for random things.
He will bring the scouring powder and shoo away the children.
The mommy will resume scrubbing.
She will alternate between her feet and the tub until she's not leaving painty footprints anywhere.
Then she'll notice that she's pretty stinky.
She'll grab a quick bath and get dressed again.
While she's doing so, she'll consider what other things need to be done to make the bathroom pretty.
She'll then go admire the freshly painted etagere, but will resolve to wear shoes the next time she paints something.
Especially with spray paint.

1 comment:

Grumpy said...

Poor mommy! Though you reacted better than I would have!!! Of course, I would have waited til hubby was out of town.... And the air would be ripe with cursing. ( no matter how polite I tried to be!! )